MY KITCHEN is not the most modern in the world,indeed,it is positively ancient,Jurassic,in fact.
TAKE the fabulous fitted furniture,for example.The quality,tasteful table is coated with a nice printed - on veneer,not your cheap,solid Oak or Mahogany.No,Siree.The very attractive fitted wall cupboards are something else again,really gorgeous,fake wood grain,coated with a heavy-duty poxy,sorry,epoxy resin to protect from woodworm,not that any self-respecting woodworm would go near it.
THE COOKER,which is fueled by genuine North Sea Gas,is a very interesting oddity indeed.What I love about it is the fascinating,heat-hardened,baked-on gravy stains reminiscent of a Picasso abstract painting.But there's more.The fridge,which is powered by fresh air,works wonderfully well in the very cold months of the year,but is totally useless during a sweltering hot summer,when the quality meat pies go completely putrid,and the veg manky.Surprisingly,the ice-cubes melt also.Still,only another 6 months to Christmas when,once again the entire contents of the fridge will be nice and fresh.
THE best thing about the state -of-the-fart kitchen is the lovely brown Axminster carpet,which was brand -new in 1975,or thereabouts.I particularly like the interesting and artistic designer rips and tears,which give the impression that the brown eyesore has been trampled on by a million hobnail boots. The carpet underlay is composed of crumbling concrete,which shouldn't cost much more than a couple of thousand quid to make good.
SEVERAL weeks ago,an Estate Agent asked if the kitchen had been nuked...I replied NO.He surprised me by commenting that it was a great pity it had NOT been nuked,since the only way to modernize it is to start over.We have since completely updated the eyesore,but not before employing a demonic demolition dude to level the ugliest and most antiquated eyesore of a kitchen in the entire country.
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