ALTHOUGH I wasn't exactly a fan of Tony Blair's New Labour government,they DID do one great thing that has almost certainly resulted in an IMPROVEMENT to people's health- the banning of smoking in ALL public places.I'd like to see the Chancellor of whatever administration increase taxation to the point where a packet of 20 gaspers cost ten quid,or 50 pence per puff!The ever-increasing cost of killing oneself is absolutely outrageous,or as the Germans would say,Schrechlich!I can envisage a time when a packet of Benson and Hedges cost more than heroin!

Strange synchronicity...

ON Saturday morning,at around 9.0am,something very strange occurred...I had what is called a LUCID DREAM,that is,I saw myself shopping in Sainsburys,twas so vivid,in fact,I even dreamed I met Social Worker,John White,though of course,I didn't because,as said,twas but a DREAM,and had no foundation in reality whatsoever.I awoke sweating like a pig- phew- it was unreal after all!What REALLY happened is that John White saw my doppelganger,whereas the real me was safe at home in bed...John went quite white when he saw the spooky -looking apparition...I'll be dreaming am on the stage of The Metropolitan Opera in the Big Apple next....La Donna E Mobile...Che Chelida Manina...Vesti La Guibba..Nessun Dorma.Talk about Synchronicity,a term coined by the greatest psychiatrist and psychologist who ever lived,Carl Gustav Jung....

If I had left the house a few minutes earlier or later,I would NOT have found myself looking at John White in the fruit and veg aisle!Incredible.

SEVERAL days ago,I contacted an American Maestro with a view to having him assess my singing voice over the telephone....I suggested that he might like to pour himself a drink,since he would soon be needing it to calm his jangled nerves after having his delicate shell-likes damaged beyond repair...The eminent Maestro laughed nervously as he decanted into a glass a particularly fine claret...After fortifying himself with Dutch courage,he directed me to begin singing the diatonic scales,in other words,Doh,Re,Mi, a' la The Sound Of Music,which I refused to do,since such a practice bores me silly.I informed Marcus the Maestro that my fave aria is Vesti La Guibba,which apparently translates as On With The Motley,which features a very loud and ear-splitting laugh just one-minute into the song..Foolishly,the by-now -well-oiled Maestro invited me to sing the passage which ends with the said laugh...With the double-glazed windows firmly closed,and having drunk a glass of water,I began my audition...I gave the guffaw so much wellie that I didn't even hear the worse-for-wear Maestro as he hit the deck with a resounding crash.

MANY MOONS ago,in fact way back in the early 1960s,my parents would hire an ancient washing machine,one with an ugly-looking mangle!What I loved about this piece of ancient junk was the fact that it would vibrate to the point where it would gracefully waltz across the concrete lean-to floor...Even better was the fact that,when it collided with an object,water would spill over the top,creating a mini tidal wave...

SEVERAL days ago,I was working in the front garden when I stubbed my bare tootsies on a  concrete gnome...aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!However,I'm a great believer in a tooth for a tooth,karma,if you like...The said gnome de plume has now been suitably dealt with,and is at the bottom of the garden,behind the shed,to be precise-RIP- Rest In Pieces!!

KITCHEN THAT TIME FORGOT

MY KITCHEN is not the most modern in the world,indeed,it is positively ancient,Jurassic,in fact.

TAKE the fabulous fitted furniture,for example.The quality,tasteful table is coated with a nice printed - on veneer,not your cheap,solid Oak or Mahogany.No,Siree.The very attractive fitted wall cupboards are something else again,really gorgeous,fake wood grain,coated with a heavy-duty poxy,sorry,epoxy resin to protect from woodworm,not that any self-respecting woodworm would go near it.

THE COOKER,which is fueled by genuine North Sea Gas,is a very interesting oddity indeed.What I love about it is the fascinating,heat-hardened,baked-on gravy stains reminiscent of a Picasso  abstract painting.But there's more.The fridge,which is powered by fresh air,works wonderfully well in the very cold months of the year,but is totally useless during a sweltering hot summer,when the quality meat pies go completely putrid,and the veg manky.Surprisingly,the ice-cubes melt also.Still,only another 6 months to Christmas when,once again the entire contents of the fridge will be nice and fresh.

THE best thing about the state -of-the-fart kitchen is the lovely brown Axminster carpet,which was brand -new in 1975,or thereabouts.I particularly like the interesting and artistic designer rips and tears,which give the impression that the brown eyesore has been trampled on by a million hobnail boots. The carpet underlay is composed of crumbling concrete,which shouldn't cost much more than a couple of thousand quid to make good.

SEVERAL weeks ago,an Estate Agent asked if the kitchen had been nuked...I replied NO.He surprised me by commenting that it was a great pity it had NOT been nuked,since the only way to modernize it is to start over.We have since completely updated the eyesore,but not before employing a demonic demolition dude to level the ugliest and most antiquated eyesore of a kitchen in the entire country.

BEING very religious and God -fearing,I have ALWAYS observed the all important Sabbath ,which of course must be kept holy,and all that garbage.

I'd love to board my home- made TARDIS,which looks far bigger on the INSIDE than it does on the outside- naturally.An optical illusion,of course...I understand the first individual to use a Time Machine was a Doctor....Who was it,do you know?Why not peruse the journal Whose Who?I won't bother,as its longer than WAR AND PEACE.Nonsense!I once read WAR AND PEACE prior to retiring to bed...

I'd program it to take me back twenty centuries to the time of Jesus Christ when the toe-rags in The Temple,the old- time Sunday traders who were taking liberties with the rules and regulations set down by those Ancient Roman,bastards...I would see our Saviour don his steel-toecap sandles,and proceed to give those who would have the temerity to trade on the Sabbath such a good,hard kicking that the feckless fellows would either not be able to sit down for a month,or so much friction would be generated that their Y-Fronts would catch FIRE,and would need to be extinguished with copious quantities of holy water....

My Time Machine was knocked up in the garage...Although it does play up from time to time,on the whole it works very Wells.The interior of my TARDIS is very untidy and looks like a World War Three BOMB has hit it.